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Worzels World - The Real Fake News



Once upon a time, after an investigation into the Humpty Dumpty affair, the police concluded there is insufficient evidence to lay charges in connection with his breakage. Constable Plod said that the event was another in a bizarre wave of petty crime: ‘There has been cats with fiddles, cows engaging in reckless moon jumping and dishes running away with spoons.”

He cited insufficient resourcing and the need for more funding to cope with this increased workload. However a Worksafe prosecution of Dumpty’s employer resulted in the largest fine since Jack’s prosecution for beanstalk climbing while neglecting to undertake giant risk mitigation procedures. The testimony of Old King Cole was suppressed by the presiding judge due to Cole's history of calling for his pipe in the middle of the night and by so doing was deemed a negative role model to young people with regal aspirations.

Amid the furore surrounding this needless breakage there has been widespread criticism of state agencies for sending all the King’s horses and all the King’s men. Critics cite that the track record of both the King’s men, and more especially the horses, illustrates that these measures were completely inappropriate for putting things together again. The coroner’s report determined Mr Dumpty’s death could have been avoided had a doctor, a paramedic unit, an orthopaedic surgeon or an omelet chef been sent rather than horses and men. He concluded that sending horses to perform complex medical procedures was an obvious indication of systemic failure.

A spokesman for the King’s horses and men responded by saying that a review of procedures and further staff training would be undertaken to avoid similar adverse outcomes in the future. He added that ‘Humpty was a bad egg anyway, was known to the police and was suspected of radical tendencies and gang affiliations‘.

Addressing public cries for a royal commission of inquiry, the King stated that no stone will be left unturned in getting to the bottom of the Humpty Dumpty affair, that broken eggs are no yoke, and that more resources will be channelled into making everything all white again.

Egg rights advocate Wee Willie Winkie noted that accident rates in connection with walls is too high and that such problems will undoubtedly continue until the individuals responsible are held personally accountable. There have been calls for new laws, zero tolerance and longer prison sentences to combat the current rash of unnecessary wall sitting. A spokesman for the anti-wall lobby group Egg Lives Matter, stated that, “For a safer society we must eliminate gratuitous wall sitting.

Sitting on walls is unsafe and should be banned outright and those climbing over or running into walls, brick or otherwise, should, in future, require a code of compliance certificate and be required to take adequate safety precautions.”

The Prime Minister, when questioned, said the problems were entirely due to lack of foresight on behalf of the previous Government.

“It‘s not our fault, don‘t blame us,” he said.

However opposition party spokesperson Little Red Riding Hood countered by saying, “Moving forward we have extensive plans that will make everything better and brighter – we will keep the wolf from the door, slay the wicked witch and make the world safe and lovely again. However we cannot tell you how we are going to achieve this at the present time.”

Humpty’s mother, a Mrs Goosey Goosey Gander, was disgusted at the outcome and is considering litigation against the Kings horses and men.

“This is the way forward, the only way to bring closure,” she said.

On a more positive note scientists have announced a major medical breakthrough. In a groundbreaking collaboration between research into fertility treatment and genetic modification Mary has had a little lamb and its fleece was white as snow. This brings renewed hope for infertile black sheep-averse farmers worldwide.

And finally celebrity water carriers Jack and Jill are celebrating a new arrival. A Hollywood press release stated, 'Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jill forgot to take the pill and now they have a daughter’. The proud parents plan to name her Rapunzel.

I'm Professor Worzel and that completes my review of the news except to add, of course, that they all lived happily ever after.

Discerning readers and those practised in the dark art of post modern deconstruction will have noticed that I have finally buckled under the combined pressure of mainstream media mores and the dictates of political correctness. Now, along with the majority of my peers in the mainstream media I too am only reporting fanciful falsehoods and fairy tales.

n prof_worzel@hotmail.com

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jill forgot to take the pill and now they have a daughter. The proud parents plan to name her Rapunzel.

- Hollywood press release

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