Worzels World - Updating the law
According to the story of the Israelites’ exodus from slavery in Egypt, during their transit to the ‘Promised Land’ God gave Moses ten commandments. Moses then proceeded to carve them in stone without so much as a select committee hearing. That was a very long time ago and the rest, as Commissioner Robertson would say, are ‘historical issues’.
Over more recent times our Government has worked overtime – both literally and figuratively – amending, changing, repealing and creating law. Currently on the agenda for amendment is the Intelligence and Security Committee Act. The current law is almost 20 years old and, according to Mr Key, needs updating.
We all know how hard our Government works, often beavering away into the wee small hours pushing through more and more legislation under urgency away from the distractions of press and public scrutiny. It is a case of ‘All the better serve you with my dears’. It is thanks to the tireless efforts of such dedicated legislators that our once proud egalitarian nation has become what it is today.
So to assist in the reform of old law, and in honour of our Prime Minister who is himself Jewish, I present the following draft update of the ten commandments. Now over seven thousand years old, I’m sure, like our flag, Mr Key would wish to update them to something that better reflects our contemporary secular social values. And as surely as Moses led Israel out of slavery we must surely adopt new law better suited to our march back into slavery again. So in the spirit of patriotism and public service I offer the following.
The first commandment, ‘Honour the Lord your God and put no false gods before him’ certainly needs work. God, as I’m sure everyone will have guessed, is now defined as ‘the economy’ and we must all honour and obey its dictates. The many sacrifices and holocausts made in its name must not be questioned. However New Zealanders remain free to worship anything they like even if it is only television, rugby or social media as long as it doesn’t conflict with Government's political agenda. This will be termed ‘Radicalisation’ and will be punished by removal of birthright and passport.
The second commandment can be more or less translated into the modern vernacular as ‘Thou shalt take one day a week off work’. This will definately need to be repealed. Let’s face it, in the modern competitive free market environment we need to trade 24/7 and how would some make massive profits while producing nothing if wage slaves won’t work all the hours God (the economy) sends?
‘Thou shalt not kill’ is certainly an oldy but a goody and despite the fact that ever since Moses carved it in stone it has been constantly broken it is time to amend it. It must be replaced with, ‘Thou shalt not kill except when we tell you it’s okay’. We must also add that violence, unless it is mindless, sick or cruel and viewed on video is always bad and thou shalt also not engage in unsafe practices, take risks or have accidents.
The others, all hopelessly outdated, will need to be repealed. ‘Thou shalt not steal’ for instance is covered in minute detail in countless other acts and statutes where Government has defined what stealing actually is. If there are loopholes and exceptions then it’s up to you to find ‘em. Elaborate premeditated but legally compliant fraud will continue to go unchecked, unpunished and be well rewarded.
Adultery and the coveting of neighbours wives and goods must now be encouraged not banned. Competition, acquisition and self-interest are, as Government have tried to convince us, the fertiliser required to grow a healthy economy (see God above) and have become the cornerstones of contemporary life.
Such changes are consistent with currently accepted international standards. And as for the promised land (once optimistically reffered to as God's own country) – in an effort to foster international investment it will be privatised and shares floated. This will attract much needed
capital and be good for the economy(God). This will also allow us access to the international marketplace where we will almost be able to afford to buy our own produce at inflated global market rates.
Sadly though this analogy to the Jewish diaspora must end here.There will not be, as promised, a golden calf. The economy is simply not strong enough to provide one. This initiative has been discarded in favour of a load of old bull.
We all know how hard our Government works, often beavering away into the wee small hours pushing through more and more legislation under urgency away from the distractions of press and public scrutiny.