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Worzels World - Smartphone Syndrome

 

In an exclusive disclosure to Worzel’s World I can report a recent landmark decision in the Dutch courts which will be a boon for euthanasia lobbyists worldwide. Parents Yert and Cara Van Kamper have at last won the battle to remove their daughter from life support technology.

After first obtaining a cell phone in childhood, Helga began to display symptoms of Technoalergenic Anorexia, a condition developed due to excessive text messaging. Gradually she fell into a state of technological dependency.

When admitted to hospital in a semi-comatose condition she was found to have severe muscle wastage, very low levels of brain activity and overdeveloped thumbs. Sadly, only a few months later and refusing to be parted from her smartphone, brain activity appeared to cease entirely and she was pronounced brain dead. Yet somehow her body kept functioning.

Hospital staff have refused to release her from smartphone support saying it is all that is keeping her alive and that any separation could induce fatal shock syndrome.

Evidence of a long text message was put before the court but as it appeared to be entirely composed in an unknown and abbreviated language the presiding judge said that it was all double Dutch to him. He ruled it inadmissible as evidence and that it could not be regarded as definitive proof of intelligent life. His judgement was that Yert and Cara had the right to remove their daughter from the smart phone. They say this operation will be undertaken by surgical intervention under a general anaesthetic next Thursday.

Dr Herman Zeitgeist, wireless technician and Professor of Neurology at the University of Andjike believes that if Helga can survive 24 hours without continuous smart phone support it is conceivable that in time, with adequate care and appropriate treatment, she may recover many of her cognitive functions. He advocates slow withdrawal from communication technology in a regimen similar to the methadone programme used to wean heroin addicts from their addiction.

Dr Zeitgeist advocates replacing social networking devices with something less dangerous like mountain climbing or sky diving, successfully using similar techniques with computer game addicts. In his highly acclaimed book Pulling the Plug he writes “Communication technology is the new opiate of the young. There is the same aspects of escapism from a perceived harsh reality. Technology addicts gradually become psychologically dependent on a virtual reality which does not contain any of the harsher elements of actual life.”

His prognosis for Helga is hopeful: “There is no reason why she could not eventually come to lead a relatively normal life,” he said in a media statement. “And with thumbs like that she may even be sought after by bottling companies looking for staff to screw caps on.”

Her parents though have other ideas and plan to emigrate to New Zealand. “The poor cell phone coverage and lack of access to high speed broadband could really help Helga 'kick the habit’, Yert enthused. “We look forward to the day when she will be able to actually go somewhere without her phone,” added Cara when interviewed celebrating the decision at Amsterdam’s famous Bulldog Café. They said New Zealand had a marvellous reputation internationally for a non - discrimination policy within the public sector regarding the employment of foreigners and brain dead morons.

Responding to the ever increasing numbers of technology addicts seeking aid, Dr Zeitgeist has set up a global franchise of high-end rehab units where the rich and famous who notice signs of technological addiction in their children – and in some cases in themselves – will be able to seek treatment. There will be trained counsellors available and it will cost a fortune.

New Zealand's franchise has been awarded to Worzel, Luddite & Associates. Professor Worzel and

Dr Luddite have a fine reputation for ignoring phone calls and not reading text messages and emails. They can provide for the well heeled (they'll need boots), and can provide counselling and access to an internet and cellphone free environment.

A spokesman for the company said, “It is the perfect addiction and the biggest global growth industry. It's almost everywhere, is captivating and highly habit forming, it's perfectly legal and costs next to nothing. Technology is definately the most highly addictive thing in our society and when an addiction becomes that pervasive there's going to be problems and someone has to make a heap of dollars dealing with those problems. It may as well be us. Get therapy now and avoid the rush. Worzel, Luddite & Associates are available by appointment only.”

n prof_worzel@hotmail.com

When admitted to hospital in a semi-comatose condition she was found to have severe muscle wastage, very low levels of brain activity and overdeveloped thumbs.
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