Worzels World - The Russians did it
As they read out the list of names my expectations were dashed and disappointment deepened. Yet another Queen’s Birthday had passed and I had still not received a knighthood. Another year and the words “arise Sir Worzel” would not be heard. I wondered what could be the problem? What was it that was preventing my services to literature and my contribution to Kiwi culture from being recognised?
Early the next day it dawned on me: If the Ruskies could influence the US presidential elections, depriving me of a Queen’s Birthday honour here in little ol’ New Zealand, was Vladimir Putin currying favour by influencing the Queen to knight John Key? Or maybe it was someone else within the Russian politburo. After all, there are plenty of Russians to go round.
Is there another butter-for-Lada's deal in the works? They were obviously responsible for my defeat in the local Council elections of 2004 in order to install their double agent, Comrade Tiller, at the tiller. If they are allowed to get away with such shenanigans there would be no stopping them in their plot to severely annoy the sovereign nations of the West.
I decided, for the good of our country and perhaps the wider world, to investigate. The more stones I turned over the more I realised what a wet winter we have had so far. It became clear as I interviewed people – who assured me that they knew a thing or two and told me to trust them because they knew what they are talking about – that it was the Russians who were influencing practically everything.
The more 'reliable anonymous sources' I found, the more it became clear that the Russian factor was not just a prevalent influence in New Zealand politics and culture but had infiltrated New Zealand cooking as well. The introduction of the pavlova recipe during the heat of the Cold War was, it appears, a cunning Bolshevik plan to increase Kiwi cholesterol.
The plot, the perestroika, and the potato soup thickened when I found out that in certain quarters it is believed that Bill English is himself the product of Russian infiltration. Another completely reliable anonymous source, who was only slightly drunk at the time, alleged that our current Prime Minister was the illegitimate son of a Cossack dancer who toured New Zealand with the Bolshoi Ballet in the early 1950's. It is also common knowledge in religious circles that Brian Tamaki is a fourth generation descendant of Tsar Nicholas III.
So is there anywhere that these pesky Ruskies have not been? Is there nothing in which post communist Russian hegemony has not had a hand? It appears that since the collapse of communism in the former Soviet Socialist Republic they will stop at
nothing to impose their own skewed and corrupt form of freedom and democracy upon so many unsuspecting and vulnerable nations of the world, just because the guns and drones and missiles and money used to invade Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria and Yemen are of US origin. And although it is US and NATO aligned troops that have destabilised much of the Middle East, we know that America are the good guys. We know this because they tell us that this is the case. I expect they could drum up any number of reliable anonymous sources who would testify to it. Why indeed would we require any factual evidence when the New York Times, Washington Post and CNN tell us it is so?
Although I cannot explain how Russian influence was able to achieve such wide-ranging devastation, if they can influence the US elections then anything is possible, and controlling US foreign policy and obtaining global governance would be a doddle.
It is obvious that if these reports of Russian interference have any truth at all, then the Ruskies are all pervasive and obviously the most overwhelmingly powerful nation in the world. New Zealand must immediately disengage from NATO and form a new alliance with our Russian comrades. I suggest a change of flag that no longer alludes to historical ties with an imperialist Britain. Russia has a hammer and sickle on their flag. I suggest that we might do well with some milking cups and a fish hook on ours. I have already purchased a Russian phrase book and in future wish to be known as Professor Worzelavich.
And finally we must ditch any further involvement in the now defunct TPPA and insist that our government negotiate a trade deal with Russia. This should be done as soon as Russia learns to manufacture decent cars.
I would like to wish all my Kiwi comrades prosperity through hard work, long live Vodka and Vladimir Putin. Let the revolution begin.
I suggest a change of flag… Russia has a hammer and sickle on their flag. I suggest that we might do well with some milking cups and a fish hook on ours.