25 April, 2022
Not only are we creatures of habit, we’re also creatures of instant reactivity. Have a little scroll on Facebook or Twitter and you’ll see what I mean. Someone posts that their beautiful home is available for rent… but within less than three comments they’re being slammed for not allowing pets into their property. Huh?
Since social media always manages to bring out the worst of our human nature, instant reactivity seems to be the new normal. Many of us have grown quite fond of their reactivity and are happily threatening to execute everyone labeled ‘dangerous’ by their own subconscious biases. And so we see a surge of senseless aggression against teachers, police officers, journalists and politicians.
Regret
For those of you who enjoy reading my columns, it will be no surprise to hear that the mindfulness philosophy teaches exactly the opposite of reactivity: non-reactivity. Why is that? It’s because reactivity seldom is a clever choice. We send back a snarky response when we receive an email that rubs us the wrong way. We honk the horn when another driver is speeding… or driving too slowly to our liking. We shout to our partner when he makes a mess. We lose control and slap our children when they are not obeying. Instant reactivity causes harm. It harms us as we often regret our mindless reaction and we feel ashamed about ourselves. And it harms our beloved ones who bear the brunt of our blind reactivity.
Suffering in silence
While we think we react so violently only because of someone else’s ‘mistakes’ – conveniently supplying us with the reason (or even worse, some delusional right) to react instantly – the real cause lies within ourselves: we quietly suffer from carefully hidden trauma such as neglect, grief, anxiety or loneliness. When we are unable to reach inside and face that real cause, simply because it is too painful to examine, reactivity becomes a habit, then a straightjacket. It will force us to keep reacting mindlessly, whether we like it or not. We’ll find that our reactivity gets triggered more and more easily, drawing us deeper and deeper in harmful behaviour. So how can we stop this process from taking over our lives and relationships?
Response versus reaction
The famous Austrian neurologist Viktor Frankl, who survived the Nazi death camps and went on to write ‘Man’s search for meaning’, explains how to make that all-important shift from reactivity to non-reactivity: “Between stimulus (that what triggers us) and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Even though we can’t control what’s happening in the outside world, we can control our own responses.
Let go
The next time you find yourself in a situation that triggers reactivity, keep a clear mind and tune into your inner experience: what emotions are you feeling, and what sensations do these emotions cause in your body? You might feel angry, sad or irritated, and you might feel tightness in your throat, breathing fast, fists clenched. Doing this quick examination breaks the habit of reacting, and gives you time to realise you could also choose to simply pause and breathe. After having taken a few deep breaths, you’ll find you feel a lot better. You are now free to consider a conscious response to the cause of your irritation, or let it go.
n Marisa Garau is a mindfulness expert who has lived in Mangawhai since 2007. Find more practical tips on how to de-stress your life at her website or flick her an email if you’d like to have a personal chat: marisa@growingmindfulness.com
