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Worzels World - There Will Be Hell To Pay



They say there is no rest for the wicked and by all accounts the righteous also have their noses to the grindstone and shoulders to the wheel. There are not enough hours in the day and a woman’s work is never done.

So it follows naturally enough that it was a busy day in hell. What with the dramatic increase in admissions and the opening up of the new mental health wing, Lucifer was late for the scheduled marketing meeting. A little flustered he laid out his notes and began to address the assembly.

“Whilst generally business is booming, the new arrivals team is pretty stretched. We live in volatile times, there have been any amount of fluctuations in the market and the opposition seems to be stepping up their activity with renewed vigour and gaining an increasing market share amongst the oppressed and downtrodden.

“In light of this I suggest it may be time to rebrand certain aspects of our operation. The whole eternal damnation thing and those depressing associations with hellfire, brimstone and torment aren’t doing us any favours with the more discerning spiritual consumer. These ideas are old hat and have got to go. Really I’d like everyone in marketing to accentuate the party and good time aspects of the diabolical option. It has also come to my attention that too many of you fail to deflect attention away from the shoddy superficial and unfulfilling aspects of our product packages.

“We’ve got to bring evil kicking and screaming into the 21st century. And when I say kicking and screaming I should really say dancing and singing. Certainly our agents in Hollywood and in the music industry are doing sterling work gradually breaking down public resistance to sexual immorality and the loss of traditional values, along with the championing of superficial lifestyles and worthless aspirations.”

This was greeted with a ripple of applause from some of the more junior sales demons.,

“Well done to the PR department for managing to play down the recent scandals as being merely right wing conspiracy theories,” Satan continued. “Keep those press releases coming and don’t forget the usual gifts to those in the media who have been particularly helpful.”

“Is that really necessary boss?” interjected a voice from the back. “After all, most of them have already sold their souls to us ages ago.”

He flourished a handful of legal contracts.

The Devil looked sternly down.

“I’d like to state right now that it has always been our policy never to skimp on investment, especially when those investments will be paying eternal dividends. This has been, and will remain, our policy for as long as I am in charge here. Which as I’m sure you all know will be until this whole infernal place freezes over.

“With that I’ll hand you over to Mr Sneaky Fiend who represents the consulting firm of Liar, Deception and Ruse. His recent book Fake It Till Ya Make It is high on the bestseller list. A

wicked motivational speaker, he’ll be outlining our strategy moving forward. Great to have you along Sneaky.”

All smiles and enthusiasm, Sneaky bounds to the front and vigorously pumps the devils hand.

“Great to be here amongst so many bad angels and good salesmen (ahem) excuse me, I mean salespeople. Mustn’t be politically incorrect eh?

“It appears that in spite of everyone’s best efforts, surprising numbers of people still insist that virtue is good and vice is evil. To counter this I have recommended a campaign to rebrand good as bad, and evil as jolly good fun.

“Remember if you want people to believe blatant lies you must make those lies as big and spectacular as possible. Don’t worry about whether the proposition is logical or illogical, probable or impossible, unlikely, ridiculous or even obviously false. The trick is to make sure falsehood is portrayed as unchallengeable fact and constantly repeated. When this is done it will be believed by the majority no mater how outlandish it is.

“As you go about your wicked way, work like the demons you so obviously are and keep everyone as busy as possible. The main thing is to prevent anybody having any time to think or pray. You must keep them preoccupied with the cares of the world and give nobody time or inclination to engage in honest conversation or true friendship – I am sure you are all well aware any love or goodwill is extremely detrimental to our cause.

“Don’t forget, fear and worry are our friends, lies and deception our stock-in-trade, and where confusion and chaos reign, we win. Harvest time is here so get on out there and drag those souls down.”

Now, with the implementation of this plan, a world that was once going to hell in a handcart has traded in that humble traditional conveyance, taken out a substantial loan and in accordance with best practice, international standards, and as per consultants’ recommendations, is now powering along in a turbocharged Scania. And everyone is as busy as hell.

n prof_worzel@hotmail.com

“Don’t forget, fear and worry are our friends, lies and deception our stock-in-trade, and where confusion and chaos reign, we win. Harvest time is here so get on out there and drag those souls down.”

- Mr Sneaky Fiend

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